Before Photos -- oh my giddy aunt

I have to take the dreaded before photos and I am avoiding it.

I have spent the last 10 years (at least) avoiding the camera.  Even when I was a normal weight I had a huge problem with my body image.  I think this was partly a reaction to my long time school BF being Miss Bay of Island or some such title the summer she left school..  -- I did not choose my friends wisely -- I still don't.  All my friends are beautiful, even the ones who want to lose a bit of weight have beautiful faces/skin and are nice people inside.
I need to find a friend who is meaner and uglier than me ---probably a hard challenge -- LOL

The more I am writing about this the more I am starting to want to give up and go to the fridge --- mmm -- need to talk to psyco about this---------bleuuuccchh

But I will take those photos,  but maybe I am not ready to see them yet.  I may want see them when I can look back at the person I was -- not the person I am.

All a bit deep--

As Dawn French says -- if we lived at the time of Rueben and the other painters of that time I would be a Supermodel, and Kate Moss would be the brush.............

Meal replacement NOT meal supplement!!!!

Well at least 3 Tony F meal replacements , 2 bacon sandwiches and a few walnuts mean you lose 90g!!!
I know I know --- you are not meant to weigh yourself all the time, but believe me I will every minute if I can.  I am the personality type that if someone says dont put you toe in the volcano, I probably would. 

As  long as I am under 129.9 when I see Tony B (surgeon) I will be happier, however I am seeing the numbers drop on people who are in the opti stage before surgery and I'm thinking --------hmmmm.
I can always save my Tony F ones for after, as I quite like them (well the Mocha and Espresso ones).
I might get some chocolate optis today.

Still a twit

Did realy well until 4:30pm when I made 2 (yes 2!!) crispy bacon sandwiches.
I am hopeless!!!  I'm beginning to think the thing I need is a locked cell!!!

Bender - what a twit I am

I finally admitted to myself that I am on a bender --- and I faced the scales. I have put on nearly 3Kg in 3 weeks!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate myself I am so out of control.
This band can't come soon enough and I totally deserve the pain and discomfort -- although I'm hoping I don't get what I deserve!
I have decided I am doing Tony Fergusson until I see the surgeon and get a date. I do not want to be in the 130's when I start this. This is a blip not part of the journey.

Dreams

So -- today I went to the psyco and she is supportive -- and again to my GP to get the Barium meal and blood test paperwork. We have until 15th Oct before we see Ian Baxter (surgeon) as he is away on leave at the mo. When booking our appointments FFBB was told by the receptionist to get as much of the pre-tests done as possible so we can pretty much book in as soon as poss.

Last night I had a dream about not being able to have the lap band surgery done until I had completely coloured in some wallpaper -- with miniature pizzas all over it. And by the time I was nearly finished (quite a night!!) I had changed my mind so said to the doc that my pens had run out.

Had 3 chocolate paddlepops this afternoon, -- bad bad girl


Got out of back of wardrobe a leather jacket ((cream) and some fabulous Italian jeans I once bought in Noosa thinking I would use them as a goal for one of my weight watchers episodes. I still love them and although a size 12 and more of a miracle than a dream, will fantasise about getting in to them again!! (again as in fantasize not that I was once in them!!!)

On the way to the GPs surgery this afternoon, I drove past some of the rivers/canals we have here on the Sunshine Coast and surprised myself (and probably shocked Number one son) when I talked about buying some canoes/kayaks in the future. Talk about fantasies -- right now I'd sink one if I could even get into it!!! However in some strange small way I realised that even though I have been sitting on the sidelines of life for so long watching my children have fun, all hope is not lost that I might want to eventualy join back in -- even thinking about it at the very very very early stages of this journey is surely an achievement.

List of rewards I'm going to do for me at each 5kg lost

• 124.9------ Get hair done
• 119.9 ------ Get new swimsuit and join aquaaerobics
• 114.9 ------ Throw out extremely fat clothes and go shopping
• 109.9 -----  Pedicure
• 104.9 -----  Take children to visit friend in Woodgate
•   99.9 ----- 
•   94.9 -----  Throw out  very fat clothes and go shopping
•   89.9 -----  Tangalooma holiday and go on Quad bikes
•   84.9 -----
•   79.9 -----  Look into getting teeth done (not sure if this is a reward tho!!)
•   74.9 -----  Throw out fat clothes and go shoppping in Melbourne
•   69.9 -----  OMG -- take photo in jeans and send to everyone I know!!
                        Have family photo taken  

27 September

I can't wait to get my (our) date. My friend (fattifattibumbum---FFBB) and I are going to ask for the same day -- adjoining rooms etc etc. At the seminar they talked about the importance of being able to do this with someone, and I am so lucky to have her doing this with me. I would imagine that that is why we all start blogs and use yahoo forums etc. It is to know we are not alone doing this and we have the support of so many people.

26 Sep -- Blogged out

After setting up my friends blog and this one -- I realise I know nothing. Needed help of chocolate paddlepops!!

26 September

Been playing with blog stuff --- it has kept me away from the fridge anyway!!

Glitter Graphics Maker & MySpace Layouts

26th September 2009

Much more positive today. It is amazing how other people's stories help those of us just starting out. I have found lots of good informayion on youtube, but love the Australian yahoo message boards.

I have an appointment with a psychaitrist and my lovely GP on Monday, so hopefully all systems go.

My biggest dillema at the moment is whether to put surgery off until my relatives have been here for a visit from UK, and a friend of mine also comes for the weekend of 23 Oct. Not sure I want to share this with anyone other those on a need to know basis.

Spent a lot of the day reading others messages and youtube and on the phone to Ann comparing the knowledge gained so far.. Not sure if this is reality or the start of our next obsession - the last one being Facebook Farmtown!!!!!

26 September 2009 - Saturday

The start of my blog.

One of my dearest and special friends has finally helped me make this decision. I have been hovering around the topic of lap banding for a couple of years, telling myself I can do this on my own, I don't need to be that radical etc etc. Now here I am weighing at aroung 130Kg (286lbs) and not doing so well healthwise. I have just been diagnosed with diabetes type 2 and hypertension. My 2 children are missing out on a "fun" mum as I mainly sit and watch them play.

I am divorced (partly because of my lack of self worth) and take care of my children with help from my parents as I have to travel alot for work.

Most importantly my friend Ann is doing this journey with me (although she has far less to lose than me) this is going to make it so much easier.