November 2 is op date!!!

Surprisingly he thought I would be a good candidate, (not too skinny - LOL) but he and the dietician were concerned about my addiction (paddlepops and diet coke to those who don't know) and my unpredictable eating patterns. He said it might be a good idea to see a psycho - and i was able to tell him I was already seeing one!!!


I was weighed and unfortunately there was no towel rail to hold on to!! -- He wouldn't give us a surgery date until we had our appointment with the physio. Well i was on the phone toute suite when i got home and got appointment to see physio, and An called the surgeon back and negotiated a November date as we didn't want to leave our lovely support group and move to October
i am on opti for 10 days and I think skinny little An is on for 7 days.
He didn't recognise me from the "Bakers Delight" meeting yesterday -- well he didn't say he did.
So countdown mode now ---

Initial Surgeon Visit - Cost

cost = $140
estimate Medicare back = $80

Out of pocket =$60

Dietician Cost

$400 for 5 visits
medibank estimate return ???

Therefore out of pocket - ???

Be sure your sins will find you out!!

I was minding my own business in Bakers Delight getting the ingredients to say goodbye to Strylia (I won't tell you what -- as i don't want to upset anyone by using words such as chicken pie, apple turnover-- etc) -- and when I paid I turned around only to bump in to --- wait for it---- my surgeon.!!!! I hastily exited the shop by swinging my bag of goodies at anyone who was in my way whilst swearing repeatedly under my breath -- but I got louder as a I made my way to the car and got some very stange looks. I then had a good chuckle as he doesn't know me from his wholemental bread roll (or whatever he gets in that shop). I see him tomorrow, so I will go to his office in sunglasses and a hat!!!
It made me think though -- when someone like that sees someone like me in the street he must itch to give me his phone number -------------and it's been a while since a strange man has given me his number !!!

Goals/Visions

To read when things get tough:

1. To wear a pair of jeans with a t-shirt tucked in,
2. Use a belt
3. Tighten a plane seatbelt
4. Put a plane table tray down
5. Use my laptop on my knee
6. Pull on boots easily
7. Wear high heels
8. Go on a rollercoaster
9. Let my 8 yr old sit next to me on chair
10. Get both children to be able to easily put arms around me
11. Wear a suit to work
12. Join the mile high club
13. Go skydiving
14. 12 and 13 not at the same time
15. Ignore 12 and 13 only put in because I wanted to list 14!!

And then the biggies:

1. To have more fun
2. For the children to be proud of me
3. For me to be proud of me
4. To set a good example
5. To live longer and healthier
6. Give ex the finger (figuratively speaking of course)
   

Dizzy Through Weightloss

I had quite a dizzy turn today -- possibly as a result of my astonomical weight loss, (1.3kg lol). Actually not one Paddlepop passed my lips today, so maybe withdrawal symptoms.  I had a gin and tonic to combat the feelings.

Not so good as yesterday, apart from G&T I had sushi for lunch and 2 of Mum's small pies for dinner as a celebration of said weightloss.  No wonder I look like a Dugong with legs.


Before I fell off the wagon, I actually glanced at a Suzanne's shop window today, I didn;t venture inside or anything stupid, but I did dare to look at the "fashions" for spring.    I'd forgotten that shop was even there. I use Autograph and that is it -- although I bought 2 floaty peasanty type skirts today in BigW of all places -:0- with elastic of course. Good thing about them is I can wear them for a while as I shrink. Can't wait to wear something with a waistband again.  Might make a list of goals -- or future NSVs

Organisms -- huh?

Horoscope today == some spot on some just plain strange

Risk of past emotional pains awakening up, which you thought had healed; refuse tormenting yourself with the past, look at the future with confidence and optimism. Put your papers in correct order. At this moment, your organism will need to be protected; don't pull on the cord too much, avoid any excessive effort; if you practice a sport, don't try to go too far. This astral climate is very likely to be frustrating in the field of work; only take a minimum of engagements or appointments

Had a bit of a cry with Ann today,  some emotional pains awakening up obviously -- something quite deep started to stir that's for sure.  I was discussing why not to do the banding and realised I believe I will fail at this too.  Another thing for psycho.
On a lighter note what's my organism??  and how do you protect it?  why has it got a cord? and why would sport or effort hurt this organism? -- sounds a handy little thing though, and the cord makes it portable I assume. 

Started Opti today -- so far so good but fogot my water -- stupid girl.  Tried a freezing experiment to simulate paddlepops -- very unsuccessful!!

Strange!!

After posting the last comment I read my horoscope (see right of blog) and I found the particularly spooky---

Very satisfactory health, but under the condition of being moderate in food and sexual matters. Changing your physical appearance may increase your prestige and give you back your self-confidence; don't skimp on expenses: the advantages that you'll gain from this operation will be fantastic

I have never known a horoscope mention operation before------------

Up an down

I am starting to let the negatives creep in again.  Do I really need to do this to myself just to lose the weight.  OK so I've tried everything in the past (more than once) but does this mean I can't try again -- especially with the threat of surgery, pain vommiting -- and CANULLAS (ugh).
Have I run out of chances, and who says I have??   I know the cheerleader bandits would say, "you've tried before and failed", "look where your weight is now -- it will keep going up"   ---- but is this really it??.  Have I admitted these valid points to myself ?  -- I'm not sure that I have, I am hearing them but not listening --- AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGH  I think I am schitzophrenic!!!

I am so up and down  at the moment that I am feeling seasick.

I bought some Optifast yesterday and thought I'd start replacing the Paddlepops with this.  If I carry on the surgeon will see a Street Chocolate Paddlepop wrapper instead of my liver!!  I might even be able to freeze the choc Opti in the correct shape!!!

When is "Starting Weight" weighing day??

Now here comes the pedantic side of me-- yet again. -- don' read unless you are strange like me.  The first thing I ever do when starting a weight loss kick is to make a graph -- !!! LOL

Should we measure our starting weight as
1 - The day we decide to do this
2 - The day we start doing what we are told -- eg Opti
3 - The highest weight we've ever been
4 - Surgery day

I personally don't  like number 1 as I have put ON weight since then,  and we may decide to do this years before we can afford it etc..  Number 3 is for me the same as 1 -- but when comparing yourself to others this is not useful as others may have started a year or more ago.  Well done to them for losing the weight but it shouldn't  be used as comparative measure.  Opti is also a changing target depoending on surgeon/dietician.
I believe this leaves number 4 as the winner when it comes to SW measurement for comparrison.
Perhaps we should have the following

• HW - Highest weight ever
• 
  
  OW - Weight when starting Opti -  or controlled eating pre-surgery
  
• 
  
  BW - Banded weight -- the day we get the band put in
  
• 
  
  BW+1 - 1 mth after banding
  
• BW+2 - 2 mth after banding ----etc
  

I know this doesn't matter really -- but honestly I am doing this so I don't go to the fridge again -- so bare with me!!

I have now successfully argued my case for changing my starting weight and I now have a month to get it down under the 130kg -- so I never have to acknowledge that number again!!!!

yay----hehehehehe

It had nothing to do with comparing my weight loss to anyone elses -- we are all different -- but at least I can now fudge my figures -- method in madness!!!

Cost - Barium Meal

$0 - Bulk billed

Barium Meal - not as bad as I thought

Nowhere near as bad as I thought

1st the gown, but left skirt and knickers on and then the Radiologist got me to stand with my back to a padded wall and stand on a narrowish platform infront of a camera.
1st problem was my bum was so big my feet nearly slipped off front of platform!!
He them gave me a plastic cup full of very really heavy white stuff (the barium) and I am thinking no no no -- no way am I going to be able to drink all this.
Anyway he tells me to take some in my mouth and to swallow when he says "now!"  Although it was chalky, there was a slight marshmallow taste so it wasn't as bad as I thought. 
He gets me to do this about 3 times, each time doc takes an Xray -- and I must admit even tho he was saying big mouthfulls I only took half ones so I didn't gag - seemed to get away with it though!.
Then they move the equipment so the padded wall tips back so I am now on a bed.  I am then asked to swallow more stuff thru a straw.  Probably only about 2-3  mouthfuls in total.
I move from one side to the other and over a couple of times like a cement mixer (needed to mix it around stomach)----for photo opportunitites and then the doc says my stomach is "shrunken" .  I  wish!!!!!!
They then give me a tiny amount of some ghastly tasting stuff, the same amount of nice stuff followed by same amount of barium and told not to burp-- which I promptly did.  I can never burp on command and even if I do, or hear other people, I immediately feel so sick.   Anyway I was fine, trying not to burp whilst I lie on my tummy, have more photos as I sip water thru a straw.  By this time I love water.
Then all over-----
Nurse tells me the barium comes out the same colour as it goes in --- thanks for the warning!!!

I have now put on 3kg since deciding to go ahead with this -- but as I said the Barium was VERY heavy ----probably about 3kg worth!!!!

Migaloo - the white humpback whale sighted at White Water World

Took the children to White Water World yesterday.  It is about a 2 hour drive from here.  I did even less this time than last and only managed the Cave of Waves.  It was school hols so much busier than when we went before when at least I managed a couple of the rides.
I sat on a lounger in my swimmers with a mens rash vest over the top - just in case I offended anyone with my bulk.. I must admit there were plenty of large (and yes larger) people than me, and they didn't seem to have the same problems as me -- letting it all hang out.  I admire them and wonder what it is about me that makes me think anyone would bother looking and judging when they are busy enjoying life themselves.  I have done this ever since I can remember no matter what size I was -- another one for discussion with my psyco....

Before Photos -- oh my giddy aunt

I have to take the dreaded before photos and I am avoiding it.

I have spent the last 10 years (at least) avoiding the camera.  Even when I was a normal weight I had a huge problem with my body image.  I think this was partly a reaction to my long time school BF being Miss Bay of Island or some such title the summer she left school..  -- I did not choose my friends wisely -- I still don't.  All my friends are beautiful, even the ones who want to lose a bit of weight have beautiful faces/skin and are nice people inside.
I need to find a friend who is meaner and uglier than me ---probably a hard challenge -- LOL

The more I am writing about this the more I am starting to want to give up and go to the fridge --- mmm -- need to talk to psyco about this---------bleuuuccchh

But I will take those photos,  but maybe I am not ready to see them yet.  I may want see them when I can look back at the person I was -- not the person I am.

All a bit deep--

As Dawn French says -- if we lived at the time of Rueben and the other painters of that time I would be a Supermodel, and Kate Moss would be the brush.............

Meal replacement NOT meal supplement!!!!

Well at least 3 Tony F meal replacements , 2 bacon sandwiches and a few walnuts mean you lose 90g!!!
I know I know --- you are not meant to weigh yourself all the time, but believe me I will every minute if I can.  I am the personality type that if someone says dont put you toe in the volcano, I probably would. 

As  long as I am under 129.9 when I see Tony B (surgeon) I will be happier, however I am seeing the numbers drop on people who are in the opti stage before surgery and I'm thinking --------hmmmm.
I can always save my Tony F ones for after, as I quite like them (well the Mocha and Espresso ones).
I might get some chocolate optis today.

Still a twit

Did realy well until 4:30pm when I made 2 (yes 2!!) crispy bacon sandwiches.
I am hopeless!!!  I'm beginning to think the thing I need is a locked cell!!!

Bender - what a twit I am

I finally admitted to myself that I am on a bender --- and I faced the scales. I have put on nearly 3Kg in 3 weeks!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate myself I am so out of control.
This band can't come soon enough and I totally deserve the pain and discomfort -- although I'm hoping I don't get what I deserve!
I have decided I am doing Tony Fergusson until I see the surgeon and get a date. I do not want to be in the 130's when I start this. This is a blip not part of the journey.

Dreams

So -- today I went to the psyco and she is supportive -- and again to my GP to get the Barium meal and blood test paperwork. We have until 15th Oct before we see Ian Baxter (surgeon) as he is away on leave at the mo. When booking our appointments FFBB was told by the receptionist to get as much of the pre-tests done as possible so we can pretty much book in as soon as poss.

Last night I had a dream about not being able to have the lap band surgery done until I had completely coloured in some wallpaper -- with miniature pizzas all over it. And by the time I was nearly finished (quite a night!!) I had changed my mind so said to the doc that my pens had run out.

Had 3 chocolate paddlepops this afternoon, -- bad bad girl


Got out of back of wardrobe a leather jacket ((cream) and some fabulous Italian jeans I once bought in Noosa thinking I would use them as a goal for one of my weight watchers episodes. I still love them and although a size 12 and more of a miracle than a dream, will fantasise about getting in to them again!! (again as in fantasize not that I was once in them!!!)

On the way to the GPs surgery this afternoon, I drove past some of the rivers/canals we have here on the Sunshine Coast and surprised myself (and probably shocked Number one son) when I talked about buying some canoes/kayaks in the future. Talk about fantasies -- right now I'd sink one if I could even get into it!!! However in some strange small way I realised that even though I have been sitting on the sidelines of life for so long watching my children have fun, all hope is not lost that I might want to eventualy join back in -- even thinking about it at the very very very early stages of this journey is surely an achievement.

List of rewards I'm going to do for me at each 5kg lost

• 124.9------ Get hair done
• 119.9 ------ Get new swimsuit and join aquaaerobics
• 114.9 ------ Throw out extremely fat clothes and go shopping
• 109.9 -----  Pedicure
• 104.9 -----  Take children to visit friend in Woodgate
•   99.9 ----- 
•   94.9 -----  Throw out  very fat clothes and go shopping
•   89.9 -----  Tangalooma holiday and go on Quad bikes
•   84.9 -----
•   79.9 -----  Look into getting teeth done (not sure if this is a reward tho!!)
•   74.9 -----  Throw out fat clothes and go shoppping in Melbourne
•   69.9 -----  OMG -- take photo in jeans and send to everyone I know!!
                        Have family photo taken  

27 September

I can't wait to get my (our) date. My friend (fattifattibumbum---FFBB) and I are going to ask for the same day -- adjoining rooms etc etc. At the seminar they talked about the importance of being able to do this with someone, and I am so lucky to have her doing this with me. I would imagine that that is why we all start blogs and use yahoo forums etc. It is to know we are not alone doing this and we have the support of so many people.

26 Sep -- Blogged out

After setting up my friends blog and this one -- I realise I know nothing. Needed help of chocolate paddlepops!!

26 September

Been playing with blog stuff --- it has kept me away from the fridge anyway!!

Glitter Graphics Maker & MySpace Layouts

26th September 2009

Much more positive today. It is amazing how other people's stories help those of us just starting out. I have found lots of good informayion on youtube, but love the Australian yahoo message boards.

I have an appointment with a psychaitrist and my lovely GP on Monday, so hopefully all systems go.

My biggest dillema at the moment is whether to put surgery off until my relatives have been here for a visit from UK, and a friend of mine also comes for the weekend of 23 Oct. Not sure I want to share this with anyone other those on a need to know basis.

Spent a lot of the day reading others messages and youtube and on the phone to Ann comparing the knowledge gained so far.. Not sure if this is reality or the start of our next obsession - the last one being Facebook Farmtown!!!!!

26 September 2009 - Saturday

The start of my blog.

One of my dearest and special friends has finally helped me make this decision. I have been hovering around the topic of lap banding for a couple of years, telling myself I can do this on my own, I don't need to be that radical etc etc. Now here I am weighing at aroung 130Kg (286lbs) and not doing so well healthwise. I have just been diagnosed with diabetes type 2 and hypertension. My 2 children are missing out on a "fun" mum as I mainly sit and watch them play.

I am divorced (partly because of my lack of self worth) and take care of my children with help from my parents as I have to travel alot for work.

Most importantly my friend Ann is doing this journey with me (although she has far less to lose than me) this is going to make it so much easier.